Never Good Enough

     As much as I try, its never good enough. I do nice things for others and its never appreciated, strike down is what it is. I don't know what is it when I just want to please others and do something and then I get taken advantage of and used, this is why I develop such tough skin and place a wall between me and the outside world that I chose not be apart of. I try to help others and then get taken for granted, I try to be caring and giving and I get mistreated and mocked, that is no way to treat someone. Tough skin is protection against those who will break me down or who will try, tough skin is my security blanket and tough skin is what I am thankful for. I am odd and what people call abnormal nothing in the norm, I am weird and indecisive and aggressive which makes me an odd girl. But who cares I've heard it all, its nothing new and to be frank I'm used to it. 

Here We Go Again! Sarcasim

so here i am in Yonkers, i figured it was time for an update on my blog about my doings. I tried and i guess i believe i failed myself yet again, I just don't get it anymore i try and try and yet no positive outcome. what am i doing wrong i ask myself repeatedly and i still don't know, gosh i feel like a failure and its depressing. All i want is that shot that chance that allows me to have hope. I feel my life as if i am trying to climb a brick wall and my nails are getting flicked of my flesh can you picture that, i sure can and that's how my life has been and soon it will be to the bone. i got a cal to do my book over and over again about my life and guess what i had a job and i was going to go through with it and i was so zealous about the idea and after all it was just an "idea". i had to move due to unexpected reasons to a different borough of New York City and with that i quit my job, i was under the assumption i was going to do much better over where i am and nothing has changed i'am still in the same predicament as before just in a more stable environment but with obligation to be a slave in return for food in my stomach and a roof over my head. That feeling of owing something to someone because they offered to help, i love how a favor suddenly turns into "you owe me". I am not just an average joe, there is nothing mediocre about me and I have a story to tell and god damn it i want to tell it.

Aiming for success but ambition is there but no thrive i hear people say there ambitious and they have thrive and some compare ambition to thrive or thirst but those are no where near the same things, if i am saying i have ambition that doesn't mean i have thrive or i could be contradicting myself? Am i a walking contradiction? Or just confused as to what it is i should be doing, i guess that's years of neglect and abuse. I am aiming for success like i said before with a stable home for myself provided by myself and no worries, just on bills and taxes.

Already

I have spent the longest time trying to get out of relationships that were not good for me, however for some reason they have never seemed to leave. But the way i see certain things, is that i have attachment issues even with people or situations that are not even good for me; really not the best situations. I run back and keep running back, now i don't know if i am scared to grow up or i simply cant move on. Addiction is a nasty and horrible thing, it can make or break a relationship and nine out of ten it breaks it. Usually i have extreme amount of patience but for some reason i have just been seeming to lose it. But i am going to try and hang in there.

Till I Fall

Lately I've been on overdrive and i have no source of composure and its becoming to much to handle. so lets take a look inside my head, shall we? Lets see what's going on in here and lets visualize, try to in-vision

I see you got your baked potato and your flippy floppies, walkin’ around Walmart looking all sorts of sloppy ♫

February 8,2011 Long Time

Now for a while, Ive been under the impression that Ive been doing everything wrong. taking negative feedback and making it my reality. So as i go down the list of my pros and cons on myself; i see that my cons no longer out weigh my pros, is this a sign of maturity and positivity. I just got an epiphany, why didn't i remove myself from the situations that i allowed myself to get scrambled in, well for one i used to blame others for my failure and lack of hope and self-steam to stride for whats right for myself to do better. But what i needed was help with knowing that doing right was possible and correct. I sit and wonder about my future and weather i will have a place to rest my head at night and place i can call "home" its mind boggling and i cant seem to get these thoughts out my mind, they are so horrid. But lets see how i turn out.
Through my journey, having to be an adolescent teen and becoming my own woman i struggle and i can imagine how many other teenagers like myself do to, including adults. We live in a world with such worry and paranoia that its almost impossible to grasp a goodnight of sleep. i try to invision myself in others footprints and i realized the only time i can is when i see the snow on the ground and the footprints created by previous walkers and right then and there i step in someones footprints so i did walk in your steps. And i could imagine your climb but could you try to see mine. When i see a face and start to think what kind of life did you have, was it gruesome like mine, sweet and gentle like i wish my life could have been or just coarse.

college preparation

One ofthe most frustrating weeks that i have to endure. With such angst and depression its extremely difficult and mind bottling. College, it doesnt look like ill be seeing St.Johns University at all and right now I am flabbergasted but i cant see why i cant keep my dreams alive or with hope and some ambition.
In class filling outa FAFSA form to apply for Federal AID and lets see where that takes me, ill keep my fingers crossed and actually pray for the first time in my life for change.