Here We Go Again! Sarcasim

so here i am in Yonkers, i figured it was time for an update on my blog about my doings. I tried and i guess i believe i failed myself yet again, I just don't get it anymore i try and try and yet no positive outcome. what am i doing wrong i ask myself repeatedly and i still don't know, gosh i feel like a failure and its depressing. All i want is that shot that chance that allows me to have hope. I feel my life as if i am trying to climb a brick wall and my nails are getting flicked of my flesh can you picture that, i sure can and that's how my life has been and soon it will be to the bone. i got a cal to do my book over and over again about my life and guess what i had a job and i was going to go through with it and i was so zealous about the idea and after all it was just an "idea". i had to move due to unexpected reasons to a different borough of New York City and with that i quit my job, i was under the assumption i was going to do much better over where i am and nothing has changed i'am still in the same predicament as before just in a more stable environment but with obligation to be a slave in return for food in my stomach and a roof over my head. That feeling of owing something to someone because they offered to help, i love how a favor suddenly turns into "you owe me". I am not just an average joe, there is nothing mediocre about me and I have a story to tell and god damn it i want to tell it.

Aiming for success but ambition is there but no thrive i hear people say there ambitious and they have thrive and some compare ambition to thrive or thirst but those are no where near the same things, if i am saying i have ambition that doesn't mean i have thrive or i could be contradicting myself? Am i a walking contradiction? Or just confused as to what it is i should be doing, i guess that's years of neglect and abuse. I am aiming for success like i said before with a stable home for myself provided by myself and no worries, just on bills and taxes.

Already

I have spent the longest time trying to get out of relationships that were not good for me, however for some reason they have never seemed to leave. But the way i see certain things, is that i have attachment issues even with people or situations that are not even good for me; really not the best situations. I run back and keep running back, now i don't know if i am scared to grow up or i simply cant move on. Addiction is a nasty and horrible thing, it can make or break a relationship and nine out of ten it breaks it. Usually i have extreme amount of patience but for some reason i have just been seeming to lose it. But i am going to try and hang in there.

Till I Fall

Lately I've been on overdrive and i have no source of composure and its becoming to much to handle. so lets take a look inside my head, shall we? Lets see what's going on in here and lets visualize, try to in-vision

I see you got your baked potato and your flippy floppies, walkin’ around Walmart looking all sorts of sloppy ♫

February 8,2011 Long Time

Now for a while, Ive been under the impression that Ive been doing everything wrong. taking negative feedback and making it my reality. So as i go down the list of my pros and cons on myself; i see that my cons no longer out weigh my pros, is this a sign of maturity and positivity. I just got an epiphany, why didn't i remove myself from the situations that i allowed myself to get scrambled in, well for one i used to blame others for my failure and lack of hope and self-steam to stride for whats right for myself to do better. But what i needed was help with knowing that doing right was possible and correct. I sit and wonder about my future and weather i will have a place to rest my head at night and place i can call "home" its mind boggling and i cant seem to get these thoughts out my mind, they are so horrid. But lets see how i turn out.
Through my journey, having to be an adolescent teen and becoming my own woman i struggle and i can imagine how many other teenagers like myself do to, including adults. We live in a world with such worry and paranoia that its almost impossible to grasp a goodnight of sleep. i try to invision myself in others footprints and i realized the only time i can is when i see the snow on the ground and the footprints created by previous walkers and right then and there i step in someones footprints so i did walk in your steps. And i could imagine your climb but could you try to see mine. When i see a face and start to think what kind of life did you have, was it gruesome like mine, sweet and gentle like i wish my life could have been or just coarse.